Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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