It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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