Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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