Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
