Tell her she can't have a vagina
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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