There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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