You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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