I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
