Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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