My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
