you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
