Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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