k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
