dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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