She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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