I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
