Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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