I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
