When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
