I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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