I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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