Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
