I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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