I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
