he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
