I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
