I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
