So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
