he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
