Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
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