What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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