If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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