Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
