At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
