omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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