david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
