Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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