even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
