we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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