you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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