I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
