when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
