I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
