drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
