I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
