The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
