But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
