Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
