So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
