I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
