Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
