hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
