o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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