I want to walk on stilts...naked
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
