Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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