This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
