i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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