Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
