so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
