she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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