You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
